Friday, May 25, 2012

The 9/11s Guest Blog: Crossroads

The 9/11s are taking our job of taking over VivMo's blog very seriously. While she's away on her honeymoon in Lanzarote, VivMo promised culture, and culture is what we are going to give you.

It is for this reason that I, DJ Little Lenny Henry, have taken it upon myself to liveblog the Britney Spears movie CROSSROADS. This movie comes highly recommended by VivMo, so I'm sure it will appeal to her legion of blog followers. I have heard only good things about this movie, and I hear it had rave reviews at its time of release. In fact, as a former film student, I can't believe that I didn't watch it. My liveblog will take the form of me writing my thoughts about the movie live, as I watch it. I hope you find this gratifying in some way.

The poster looks promising...

00:00:25 The 'Zomba Films' logo is rather startling. A bad start.
00:00:55 Lezbihonest about the opening dialogue: "Lucy get the box." "OK." "What are you putting in?" "It's supposed to be a secret." (Laughter). "My dad thinks I'm at your place." "My mom thinks I'm at yours." (Laughter). "Let's dig deep." "OK." "So no-one will find it... Dig it deeper!" "Shh. We don't wanna get caught."
00:02:00 Oops, it's 2 little girls. They're doing a time-capsule thing. They'll dig it up after High School graduation. I just vomited.
00:03:00 Britney Spears is now in high school, I guess. She is dancing in her underwear around her bedroom. She's singing along to a Madonna song. Britney's singing sounds better than Madonna's. This was before the breakdown, though. I think she's singing into a spoon.
00:03:40. Her dad is DAN AYKROYD!!!! That is pretty incredible casting. Maybe this movie will be classy after all. Like MY GIRL. Macauley Culkin gets stung by bees at the end. Ouch. Where is Anna Chlumsky now, by the way?
X Factor Judge Britney Spears, Ghostbuster/Funeral Director Dan Aykroyd.

00:04:08 There's a Teen Pregnant. I think it's the friend she was digging the box with. They're not friends any more :(. Britney's a virgin and a loser with a really geeky boyfriend, the old friend is pregnant and she's a cool kid. America!
00:06:30 Britney's crying because she didn't go to any parties in high school. This is obviously not the real Britney.
00:07:30 The friend wants Britney to dig up her box. Britney has chosen to go and have sex with the geek instead. Oh, there's a third friend. She's like one of the Mean Girls. She also doesn't want to dig up anybody's box :(
00:09:40 Oh dear, Britney is really going to have sex with the geek. I was only joking! I know they're about to do it because the director chose to subtly play 'Let's Get It On' over the scene. It's very awkward. He wrote a list of reasons why they should have sex. Number 1 is "Because we've been lab partners for 3 years." It's not sexy, and he's obviously desperate. Britney is not putting out. Now I understand why Justin Timberlake got rid of her.
The good old days.

00:12:40 The pregnant girl has punched the guy who might be her babydaddy. This is like Maury Povich! Hit Me Baby, One More Time.
00:13:15 Ooh, they're all there, digging up their boxes. Britney wanted to find her mom, but Dan Aykroyd won't let her. Why is Dan Aykroyd always a single father (Womanizer)? The pregnant one wants to go to California. In fact she's going to California to audition for a record company. I sense a ROAD TRIP coming on! She wants the other girls to come with her. They're saying no, but something tells me they will go.
By the way, I'm not sure where they're supposed to be living, but there are a lot of dodgy Southern accents going on. Britney is actually from the South, but her accent does not sound real at all. Also, her acting doesn't seem real. But I don't think that was the point of this movie.
00:17:10 Britney is talking about her mother to Dan Aykroyd. He says she's never tried to contact her but I feel he may be lying. So does Britney. She's gone for the road trip! And so has the other non-pregnant one! Shiiiiiiiiiit! Aykroyd is gonna be pissed!
00:19:15 The guy who is taking these 3 18 year-old girls in his car is much, much, older than them. What could his motives be? (Clue: Rhymes with "grape"). He's asking about Britney, I smell trouble.
00:21:25 Whoooooa, Britney is singing along in the car to NSync (aka Justin Timberlake, her ex). This is so META. It is, however, short-lived, because the peadophile who is driving them prefers heavy metal. Also, nobody is allowed to drive his car. I think he's supposed to be edgy.
A moment in cinema history.

00:25:25 They're talking about the peadophile. The other non-pregnant girl thinks he's cute and says she can't believe he went to jail. Apparently he may or may not have killed someone. Britney is throwing a shit-fit now. OMG. Britney actually says "Oh my god." She was flirting with him last night, and now she's being cold. She can turn it on and off like a switch. It's Britney, bitch. He's playing Rage Against The Machine in his car and the girls are all scared.
00:29:00 Britney calls Dan Aykroyd. Aykroyd is furious. Britney hangs up. After some banter with the peadophile, the car breaks down. Oops!
00:34:10 They need money to fix the car, so they're doing a karaoke contest, with the pregnant girl as the lead singer. This is going to be terrible.
00:35:55 Oh no. They're singing I Love Rock N Roll. They're being booed and heckled. The pregnant girl sucks. It really is a bit shit. I'm talking about the whole movie, by the way. Britney becomes the lead singer and is fucking amazing, because she's Toxic. They win loads of money and can fix the car. Britney hugs the peadophile murderer. Funny how we forget things...
00:41:05 Britney is dancing 'sexily' (dancing Til The World Ends) to 'Shake Your Ass' by Mystikal (yes!!!) and someone tries to touch her up. The peadophile murderer beats up the guy. Pretty Overprotective, if you ask me.
She's so lucky.

00:44:22 The girls are bonding. Snore. This movie is really bad. I'd rather spend 90 minutes watching the 'Lucky' video 30 times. It's a work of art. Christ, it turns out the pregnant girl is having a rape baby. HEAVY SHIT. I assume that rape abortion is frowned upon in Alabama. America!
00:48:30 The peadophile murderer fell asleep so Britney's going to drive. This will not end well, mark my words. The girls celebrate by singing along to Shania Twain's 'Man, I Feel Like A Woman'. This might be the best scene in the film, only because Shania Twain's music is probably the best thing in the world. I'm joking. Obviously that's Sometimes, by Britney Spears, where she dances with a giant piles polyp in the video. I'm joking, obviously it's this.
Britney with the piles polyp.

00:51:45 The peadophile murderer woke up and ruined the Shania moment. He gets really pissed off, makes them stop the car and says (You Drive Me) Crazy. He shows his anger in a way that we all would, throwing stones around and kicking dust in the air. I'm sure, from this behaviour, that he is definitely a murderer. Apparently, though, he's just frustrated about being around girls all day every day. He would make a really shit gay. It turns out he didn't kill anyone though, so he's now back to just being a peadophile.
00:55:51 The peadophile stops the car in the desert and makes them climb up the rocks that housed the secret alien spaceship in Roswell. They spend the night camping there. Now that he's not a murderer, the girls trust the peadophile.
00:57:45 Britney is a poet! She has written a poem called 'I'm Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman'. It's the lyrics to I'm Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman, which I know was written by Dido, so Britney is a plagiarist now. The peadophile lies and says he likes it, quelle surprise, and they're about to kiss when something bites the pregnant girl on the ass. Oops, I Did It Again.
Britney and her mom: C'est Sluts!

01:00:20 Britney knocks on her mother's door and it's answered by the slutty old woman from Sex And The City. This explains a lot. Britney just says, "It's me, momma," as if she hasn't been an absent mother for 15 years. Life is simple when your parents are a Ghostbuster and a sexoholic. Her friends and peadophile just drive off. Smooth. Also, I didn't notice Britney finding her mum's address. Things are so easy. Did Aykroyd just leave it lying around?
01:02:20 It took all of 2 minutes for that slut from Sex And The City to reveal that she has 2 more kids now and doesn't want anything to do with Britney. She probably saw the VMA performance of Gimme More, to be fair. At least the peadophile can comfort her now. Also it's raining, because, symbolism. It's like a Box Car Racer video up in here. Click the Box Car Racer link and prepare to cry, by the way.
A career high.

01:06:30 Oh, now the peadophile has written the sheet music to 'I'm Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman'. Again, plagiarism. Someone call Dido and tell her it's happening all over again. First Eminem, now this. It works for Peado Pete though, because now Britney is tonguing him. She then immediately calls her dad (creepy)
01:09:15 They're now singing along to Sheryl Crow's 'If It Makes You Happy' which, to be fair, is what I would do if I was on a road trip across America. What other music is there for this occasion? Even the peadophile has gone from a metalhead to a Fan Of Crow. The rest of the trip goes without a hitch and they're in LA on the beach. Life is easy. So easy in fact that the peadophile has also created a band to play backup for the pregnant girl's audition. Did we forget that the pregnant girl sucks? Well, she sucks at singing. If she'd have spent more time sucking she might not be pregnant in the first place. In other news, the other non-pregnant girl's fiance seems to be a douchebag who doesn't answer his phone so she's in for a disappointment.
01:14:20 It looks like Britney is about to have sex with the peadophile. This scene is slightly sexier than the one where the geek tried to finger her to Marvin Gaye, but only slightly.
01:16:00 The other girl who is not pregnant is disappointed. Her fiance has a girl in his room. Aww shit. Also, he raped the pregnant girl. He's the babydaddy, and he is officially a Criminal.  To top it all off, the pregnant girl falls down some stairs. This movie is ridiculous. Like some kind of Circus.
01:18:45 She lost the baby. Probably for the best, to be honest. I don't want to be cold-hearted, but, come on...
01:19:43 Aykroyd is back! He is annoyed, to say the least. I love the line, "What were you thinking? Running away? WITH A PREGNANT GIRL???!!!"
01:20:30 When Aykroyd asks who the peadophile is (and quite rightly inquires about his age), Britney replies with, "He just gave us a ride." CLEVER SCRIPT. Anyway, Aykroyd's gonna take them "back where they belong". God knows where that is. He also lets her hug the peadophile, which is not very realistic. But of course she runs out of the taxi to do the audition. Aykroyd lets her, what a pussy.
01:27:09 I'm Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman. Britney wins The X Factor. Simon Cowell licks his lips.

I feel quite bad about wasting my time watching this shitty movie. It did make me laugh at times though.

I would recommend that you never watch this movie. If you want to see a good movie, watch this. Thanks, bye.
I really, really like this picture.

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